A Review of American Presidential Candidates

In Australia, the parties select their leaders, but in America the people get to chose. State by state. These elections are called the Primaries. There's a lot of voting in American democracy. You vote like a motherfucker in this country. I write this from New Hampshire, USA where the election is taking place right now. Politics hasn't been this exciting since a few months ago when the now former Australian Prime Minister John Howard lost the election. So today I saw a shitload of placards and I also met Bill Clinton. This was in Exeter, New Hampshire. He had a pasted on smile and his eyes were vacant and glazed like donuts. It was weird. I've seen this look before. It was in the eyes of David Beckham while he was dressed as a Roman warrior. He was standing in a pile of Pepsi cans at the time. I wanted to ask Clinton what World Domination feels like but the answer is obvious (pretty fucking good!). A Secret Service guy brushed past me and I noticed the bronze glint of a pistol butt within his opened jacket. These guys all looked so ordinary which is probably the point but I was thinking I could fucking take these wimps. Clinton tried very hard to appear ordinary but we all know that for a short time not long ago he was one of the most powerful people in the history of the world. I'm haunted by that experience. Clinton was creepy. But it's a great time to be in New Hampshire right now because everyone is talking politics. This is my assessment of the contenders:

THE REPUBLICANS (aka the fucking GOP)

The four major Republican candidates are four of the scariest guys EVER. They seem like the types to suffocate babies while nobody's looking. Maybe they are the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse?

Shitt Romney - Mormon Fascist.

Rudy Guiliani - Heartless Bastard. He looks like a mobster.

Mike Huckabee - I DON'T heart Huckabee.

John McCain - I like his anti torture stance but I don't like his stringent bomb Iran stance (which you can see on YouTube).

THE DEMOCRATS

Hilary - She is so fucking Establishment it's sickening. She acts like her presidency is inevitable and her 'vote for me because I'm a woman' platform is fucked up and very undemocratic. Does she really understand women or does she just understand rich women? Maybe Condi Rice will vote for her.

Obama - This guy seems to be the best. He seems to be the most likely one to change stuff for the better. When I hear him speak I don't get that horrible weighted feeling of dread I get with all the other candidates. I know people think he's inexperienced but people said the same shit about Kevin Rudd (Australia's PM) and it's worked out fine. Better than expected actually. So the inexperienced factor doesn't bother me.

John Edwards - Boring smarmy prick.

Mike Gravel - It seems like nobody has heard of this guy except my uncle and there's no way he'll get elected because he speaks the truth (and nobody has heard of him). He's 77 and talks about how military spending is obscene (437 billion per year last I heard, and that was before the surge), and how the healthcare system is messed up etc etc.

America is hurting for preferential voting. That way voters could give candidates like Gravel a voice. With preferential voting the politicians would get a better understanding of the electorate. The all or nothing system in place now is less democratic because it forces voters away from candidates they would vote for but for whom they don't think have a chance. People like Gravel could still get votes with a preferential voting system and it would give voters more power, and that is how democracy is meant to work.

The Cambrian Explosion officially endorses John McCain for the Republicans and Barack Obama for the Democrats.